*I wrote this three years ago, as we started trying to have a baby. Occasionally, I'll write something and never hit publish. I need space with my thoughts before sharing them with the world. But I was encouraged today by a friend to do my part in making these conversations public.
For anyone out there trying, here's a fist bump of solidarity heading your way. I've been there and it made me lose my mind for a bit.
Trying.
They don't tell you trying will be the hardest thing ever. Trying to keep your hopes up. That you'll avoid facebook because since you've started trying only a few months ago, 19 couples you are friends with have announced they are expecting.
That every time your mom offers you a glass of wine at the cabin you wonder if you should accept. Or you'll make up an excuse about trying to lose vacation weight and alcohol is the first thing to go. Anything to get her to not think you are trying
But since your mom is your best friend, she's the first one you want to tell you are trying. So instead you blurt it out to friends you trust and hope they keep it private.
That you downloaded an app. Yeah, an app to track things. Ugh. Why? Trying has made me crazy.
Or April 1 passes and you get literally angry at anyone who thinks its acceptable to pull a pregnancy prank.
That you start trying and then you read about infertility and your heart breaks for women who struggle to get pregnant.
And you secretly hope you won't be one of them...
That every time that time of the month comes you try to stay hopeful but you feel discouraged.
It's supposed to be a magic time, lots of love making but this insane amount of pressure immediately is put upon you. And most of it is put on by you.
I pray more, work out more, eat healthier. Every little bit helps right?
Trying is exciting yet trying sucks.
Because so often you go through this whirlwind alone.
Well, if you are trying,
Have hope.
Keep the faith.
And feel free to vent to me. I'll listen.
xoxo,
Alex
