Musings on Motherhood // It's Just Hard

I've been back to work since March 1st and I'm still trying to find my groove. I understand it might take another week, another month, another year, until I feel like we've hit our rhythm, but in the meantime, we are doing our very best.

"Nothing's wrong, it's just hard." Bunmi Laditan, the author behind the Honest Toddler, wrote a post recently on Facebook about this and holy cow has it resonated with me.  It's just so true. Nothing is wrong. We are blessed beyond belief: our basic needs are fulfilled, we are healthy, we laugh every day, we have jobs we enjoy, family and friends we love, life is good.

But it's really hard right now. I feel like I've put in a full day of work just wrangling two kids every morning to get out the door to daycare so I can get to work at a decent time. And parents of toddler's know, every day is different. I never know when the next tantrum is going to come and whether I'll be able to negotiate with the tiny terrorist before full-blown armageddon happens.

And getting to work without spit up or food crumbs or spilled latte or salt from the car on me is a damn miracle. Praise Jesus when this happens because Lord knows it's only a matter of time.

Once each kid is in their car seats, I can breathe a little bit. But it takes a special strength to run the gauntlet from the doors of daycare to the classroom. Drinking fountains, trampolines, couches, LIZARDS, toys...You guys, we have to say good morning to the school pets (LIZARDS) every. single. morning. This week we made it to the classroom without stopping and it was the biggest victory!!

I work all day, trying not to think that being a mother and having kids hurt my career, trying not to read into any comments from coworkers, and trying to lean in.

And then it's off to daycare to pick up the boys and soak up as much quality time with them until bedtime.

Rinse and repeat.

So, nothing is wrong. It's just hard. Life with two is amazing, and crazy. Going back to work is the most natural thing, and the toughest. I've been leaning hard into my oils for emotional support lately. Frankincense for grounding, Valor for courage, White Angelica for easing my anxiety. Grateful every single day I have them in my toolbox.

This weekend, I'm making time for extra self-care because truthfully, I need it. And I'm trying to be better at saying that. So yesterday, I took time to bake a batch of gluten-free brownies, slept in an extra 45 minutes today, and am going to take a long hot shower tonight. All things that help me feel normal. How do you recharge?

Nothing is wrong. It's just hard. And I know it gets easier so that's the beauty of this phase. It's temporary. And that gives me all sorts of hope.

xoxo,
Alex

Currently // February 2018

Here's the maternity leave edition of what I've been up to. Tomorrow, I ship both boys off to daycare and head back to work. Currently feeling ALL the feels!

READING // Cultivate: A Grace-Filled Guide to Growing an Intentional Life, A Simplified Life, What Works for Women at Work, Little Fires Everywhere, Gameplan, Good As Gone, The Women in the Castle (honestly though, I can't remember if I read this one before or during my leave!)

LISTENING TO // The Universe Has Your Back, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, and Educated: A Memoir (I'm slowly getting into Audible...I'm not an auditory learner since my mind starts to wander so I find myself rewinding a lot, but it's a nice alternative to staring at a screen!)

EATING // I did a mostly Whole30 in January. It was going great, and tanking my supply. So I had to make some adjustments but found a couple great recipes that we'll definitely be using, like this Whole30 compliant Zuppa Toscana. I've made it 3 times since January. It's that good.

THANKFUL // That I even get this time to spend with my family and bond with Liam. The statistics regarding maternity leave in the United States are quite appalling.

PLANNING // Declan's birthday breakfast! We celebrate birthdays very lowkey around here. No parties, just a special breakfast, a couple gifts, and then we go on a family adventure. Last year we went to the zoo. This year, we are debating between Camp Snoopy (yes, it will always be called this), Choo Choo Bob's Train Store, or the Children's Museum. But it's his golden birthday so we're making it special!

WORKING ON // My cloffice (closet + office). My old landing space of an office became Liam's nursery. We put the desk in the basement but I wasn't loving the proximity to the boys when I was working at night. So, I came up with an idea to add an mini office to my walk-in closet. It's amazing and I love it. I can't wait to show you what it looks like!

WEARING // I earned a new FitBit Alta HR and love wearing it as I start ramping up my activity. It's a good reminder when I'm sitting all day to get up and move. Plus it does silent alarms which I'll use for staying on my pumping schedule. The worst part is seeing how I slept the night before...or didn't sleep. Because the struggle is real.

WATCHING // Well, I think I watched every single sport in the Winter Olympics, I caught up on Outlander, and still haven't watched this season of This Is Us. So win some, lose some.

That's it for now! I'm going to go slather on some Valor to help me prepare for tomorrow!

xoxo,
Alex

Musings on Motherhood // Trying.

*I wrote this three years ago, as we started trying to have a baby. Occasionally, I'll write something and never hit publish. I need space with my thoughts before sharing them with the world. But I was encouraged today by a friend to do my part in making these conversations public.

For anyone out there trying, here's a fist bump of solidarity heading your way. I've been there and it made me lose my mind for a bit. 

Trying.

They don't tell you trying will be the hardest thing ever. Trying to keep your hopes up. That you'll avoid facebook because since you've started trying only a few months ago, 19 couples you are friends with have announced they are expecting.

That every time your mom offers you a glass of wine at the cabin you wonder if you should accept. Or you'll make up an excuse about trying to lose vacation weight and alcohol is the first thing to go. Anything to get her to not think you are trying

But since your mom is your best friend, she's the first one you want to tell you are trying. So instead you blurt it out to friends you trust and hope they keep it private.

That you downloaded an app. Yeah, an app to track things. Ugh. Why? Trying has made me crazy.

Or April 1 passes and you get literally angry at anyone who thinks its acceptable to pull a pregnancy prank.

That you start trying and then you read about infertility and your heart breaks for women who struggle to get pregnant. 

And you secretly hope you won't be one of them...

That every time that time of the month comes you try to stay hopeful but you feel discouraged.

It's supposed to be a magic time, lots of love making but this insane amount of pressure immediately is put upon you. And most of it is put on by you.

I pray more, work out more, eat healthier. Every little bit helps right?

Trying is exciting yet trying sucks. 
Because so often you go through this whirlwind alone.
Well, if you are trying, 

Have hope.
Keep the faith.

And feel free to vent to me. I'll listen.

xoxo,
Alex